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Fleeting thoughts, impactful memories, and tall tales
Life is so rich.
GLP1 6mo review (weight, lifestyle, mindfulness, money, discipline
Emotional capacity, dating, and the consequences of a female bioclock from a male’s perspective (little league dad by 40)
videography
defining a 2x2 high/low drive, high/low conscientiousness and identifying the protagonist traits
thoughts on living in the GCITW (realizing some people spend their entire lives saving just to visit what i take for granted daily)
“There are decades where nothing happens; there are weeks where decades happen.”
I hesitate to apply such a quote to my biannual life update given the infamous quotee. Still, a lot of life has seemingly been happening in the past few weeks. I optimistically anticipate much more life to be happening this year, as well. My vision hasn’t changed (per my eye doctor, whom I did in fact consult last week) but I am really seeing life more vibrantly. The greens & blues and shades & hues have intensified as I venture onward into this exciting stage of my life.
In mid-May, I was in the very middle of packing my bags and leaving for a trip to South Korea and Mongolia when I was (unsurprisingly, to myself) laid off from Spotify. Quite frankly, I deserved it; I had been mentally checked out for some time. Every 9mo or so, my therapist and I would note that my interest in working a full-time job in tech had waned, before I either consumed more of the corporate kool-aid and was sated for the next year, or applied for a new job at another company. Working in tech during its peak has been a blessing in many ways. The compensation was always top-notch and the benefits were unmatched. I don’t have a family (hell, not even married) but the insurance coverage, parental leave, fertility benefits, healthcare, etc. were things I tried to take advantage of as much as I could. If I had a family, I imagine I would be a devastated to be leaving Spotify, given how much security it gives a household. The people whom I worked with were operationally efficient; brilliant minds and sound ideas flourished in aesthetic, design-oriented meeting rooms. My two years at Airbnb and to an extent, my two years at Accenture were the same; delicious, free food was in every aesthetic office. Extracurriculars mixed into the journey were incredible events, traveling to other offices, softball teams, being there for big company landmarks, and petting many dogs in-between.
It was a few months ago that I realized I had reached the top. If I were to answer myself a decade ago what my goals in career were, they would be to get paid well, work at a high-status company, and travel for work. I was a status chaser, but didn’t want to work to climb a ladder to director or C-suite, nor become a bajillionaire by creating the next new product. The idea of leading a team fascinated me, but I retroactively interpret that ambition as a people-oriented goal more than a responsibility goal. I’ve reached everything I had desired when I set out leaving college. Within the ebb and flow of my career fulfillings, I’ve always had an entrepreneurial bone in my body. Maybe I was born with it, maybe it’s career apathy-belline (I was most definitely born with it; both my parents are entrepreneurs and now run their own businesses, respectively). I crave more agency, more ownership, more decision-making and want to feel the impact from the results of those decisions. Released from the shackles boundaries of a traditional corporate background, I’ve recognized and realized the time to move. A decade-ish of sitting in a safe nest has passed, and it’s time for me to spread my wings. Fortunately for me, I was pushed out of the nest, but that doesn’t mean I’m not ready to fly.
The firing allowed for the cathartic release of emotions over the next 6 hours of traveling to feel fantastic. While I harbored inklings of hurt, doubt, uncertainty, and anger in the immediate aftermath of the situation, I was able to work through these things while I traveled to San Francisco and rested in a layover. Wisps of fury still come and go, but by the time I landed in Seoul, I could truly say to myself I was comfortable with the situation. I was extremely fortunate to sit in what some call it “the poor man’s first class.” I had an entire row of a plane to myself, which allowed me to lie-flat and sleep for double digit hours; I could truly rest and re-cooperate my body and mind.
My trip to South Korea and Mongolia was more than nourishing. Seoul was for a high school friend’s wedding and as I’ve written before and will write again, seeing the people whom I share my hometown roots with flourish is such a gift. I celebrate them more than they know, and treasure them deeply. I spend a lot of time and put true emotion into my words for them.
Mongolia was an unbelievable experience, as well. I had what was essentially a personal safari about Mongolia, with a driver who took me anywhere I wanted to go. He spoke the language and knew how to get to places, I just got to choose an itinerary. I ended up staying in a Mongolian ger with a nomadic family, and other days traveling the deserts and steppes searching for true wild horses and golden eagles. I am extremely pleased with the film photos that came out; I dare say I consider some of them my best ever.
The couple above were the first proposal that I had ever photographed. Typically, I do not photograph friends’ proposals/engagements/weddings unless they explicitly want me to, because I’m uncomfortable with the weight of the moments, and the risk of missing the perfect moments due to using a slower film camera method. Ironically, I was just recently asked to photograph a different friend’s proposal, the offer with which I grappled internally for some time before accepting. I, and another digital photographer which put me at ease given my fears above, were the only ones who knew the proposal was happening. Even more to the testament of my friendship, he asked me to help him pick up the ring which was delivered to a different state for tax purposes. The brotherhood and intimacy I felt was palpable, and I greatly appreciated the opportunity to spend time with someone whom I admire. People letting me into some of the most meaningful moments of their lives fills my heart, and to be able to capture it on my favorite art form of medium format film makes it even more special.
For the past few years, I’ve tried different forms of exercise to supplement my baseball and softball in the sunnier months. Let’s be honest, baseball doesn’t make me the epitome of health, as it’s more hand-eye coordination than cardio/core based. First, I tried lifting weights and running. I despise running. I ran a half-marathon in my freshman year of college, and hadn’t run more than three miles in one go, since that day (until this week, where I was baited into joining a run club). Last year, I got into boxing and while I loved the workout, I missed the feeling of building and toning muscles. This year, I tried doing Lagree pilates at Bodyrok in Williamsburg, and have stuck with it. What started on a Wednesday at 730am has become a bi-weekly occurrence. I’ve found the workouts hard enough to challenge me, different enough to work new muscles, and enjoyable enough that I don’t mind going. The instructors are kind, explanatory, and make me feel I’m doing a good job.
After a few sessions, I quickly realized, “Hey, these things have to be pumping out money, right?” Each studio is doing 8-10+ classes a day, with a high attendance rate (nearly every class I’m in is over 80% full, most are 100% full). If there are 16 people in each class, and each spot is $35… well, I quickly did the math. I think it’s a profitable business endeavor. I casually looked into what it would cost to open one.
Here I sit, 6mo into pilates later, on the verge of franchising three studios with Bodyrok. I intend to open the first Bodyrok studio in Queens in late fall ‘25, with two more over the next two years, respectively. I’ve put a large chunk of savings into hiring attorneys, incorporating myself as an LLC (four LLCs, to be exact!), and the franchisor (Bodyrok’s corporate entity) and I are awaiting paperwork from the New York State Government to finish an annual review before I can proceed. I’m in negotiations with banks over corporate loans and have learned about the SBA 7a Loan process. Each step I take in this journey has been so much more fulfilling, even though it isn’t ridiculously “hard” work. I’m still filling out spreadsheets, responding to emails, and thinking of ideas to make the future business thrive. If I don’t do it, it won’t get done. If I’m not talking to banks and real estate leasors and attorneys and accountants and insurance agents, and…
It’s up to me. I feel the weight more than I have, because it will be my livelihood. There is an odd juxtaposition between the stress I’ve added to myself vs the stressfree feeling that I now find myself in. I never had definitive plans in San Francisco, knew I wasn’t going to be in Maine past a few months, and have rooted but never set a commitment to New York City. With pilates, I’ve now set in stone at least the next five years of my life. This is the first time I’ve committed that length of time, post-grad, and while it’s constricting in some ways, I feel freed by making the decision.
Life seem more vivid, but my mindfulness has also increased. It’s almost too obvious to find that these things come and go together. I’ve worked for years with my therapist on “feeling” more, and the results have been incredible. I’ve had a feels wheel on my door now for a few years and I try to force myself to take stock of myself whenever I leave my room. During this evolution of self, I’ve witnessed my capacity for emotions grow, and a rise in the saturation of feelings (or, how much I feel them). While I’m becoming so much more in-tune with myself, I’d like to believe there is no ceiling and that life’s richness can continue to be tasted with an exponential increase.
It’s times like these that I realize the role of myself as The Protagonist in my own life. A man sails their own ship, with many corpsmen and crew along the way, but I believe taking the accountability and navigating the waters through your own control is imperative. I refuse to let life pass me by without myself enjoying it as much as I can, and I accept that responsibility. You never know where the Lord has you going, but it’s been a heckuva ride as of late, and I’m excited to keep going.
Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.
In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.
Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds and shall find me unafraid.
It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate,
I am the captain of my soul.
William Ernest Henley
I wrote this in November 2024
Oddly enough, I’m being quite proactive with this post. Perhaps it is a combination of free time, a desire to write something, and a pride of what I’ve done in the past year. We’ll flesh out this post further but it’s nice to get it started while I can.
2024 Things I’m Proud of
Had my best baseball season ever. I exceeded nearly every expectation I set for myself coming into the season, and I made my league’s all-star team. I was more conscious about my hitting, played defense across a multitude of positions, and had some of the best games of my life while friends were attending.
I made baseball cards for my adult league team. I was thrilled with how they turned out. I designed them based off of 2022 Topps sets and made one for each team member that I could photograph.
Wrote a memoir comprising of two essays (Masculinity, and Happiness), 30 quotes I find interesting, and 10 years worth of film photography that I curated
Met with my grandma and recorded conversations about her and my mother growing up. Took her portrait.
Attended the NYPL Library Lions Gala with a blind date. I love dressing up in Black Tie attire.
Canvassed in Pennsylvania for the Election. Something about feminism, getting involved
Donated more money this year than I ever have in my life. This was an intentional effort coming into this year, giving to more causes that I found worthy or invested in. Including friend’s running goals, church tithing, mission trips, and small ways to help my community
Took home my largest earnings ever. Mostly due to Spotify stock, but I’m really proud of the number I earned, even if it’s superficial.
Advanced my photography to a greater level by photographing sports games and and travels.
Officiated the wedding of my two closest friends in New York. I was honored to officiate their wedding in the Bahamas on a cruise.
Attended weddings in four states, intentionally sought out time with friends across the USA.
Obtained one of what I believe to be the best baseball cards of the 21st century.
2025 Goals
Photography project capturing MTA conductors pointing at the signs
Photography of friends in boxes
Monthly passport pictures at Eliz Digital
Video curating my fall outfits
More usage of B&W film photography
Cooking/hosting monthly themed dinners with friends
Surpass six figures in revenue with sportscards
Commit to a Core group through church
Meaning I actively, intentionally, and mindfully show-up at least 25 times over the year
End the year in/having been in a romantic relationship
Start, consistently use, and end the year on a GLP1, goal of losing 40 more pounds (already down 10!)
Find 20 instances of invested rejection throughout the year.
This means I’m challenging and pushing myself in things that matter
Attend 4 black-tie events because dressing up is fun
Mindfully use my Google Calendar to keep track of my life more
In Progress. So far:
Put significant effort into a significant romantic relationship. Maybe it’s a couple months, maybe it’s longer, it could even be shorter. I’ve found that in 2023, my romantic relationships, while painful, have been life-giving and something I am excited to put effort into moving forward
Be okay with losing at sports. I can be a hyper-competitive person on a field. When I lose, I can become sulky. I try not to take it out on others but unfortunately have found myself quicker to anger/resentment on the field. I take a lot of pride in my athletic abilities, especially despite my physical stature, and when I’m let down by myself or others, I get frustrated, which, in a meta way, frustrates me. I don’t want to lose at sports, but I will challenge myself to be better at losing when I do.
Look better. It’s a combination of being insecure of my weight and appearance, combined with a desire to take advantage of my physical peak during the lifestage that that is possible.
Feel more. I think this one’s easier. I want to add a “feels wheel” on my door such that, everytime I leave my apartment, I consciously take stock of how I’m feeling.
Earn a promotion and raise. I was actually more intentional about my wording in this one. I don’t want to be given a promotion. I want to feel the accomplishment in earning a promotion, by succeeding at what I do. I’ve lied to myself about taking my career seriously for, frankly, a lot of my career. I don’t need to be an Executive, but I want to take the next step. That being said, I’m okay letting this one go if other priorities take precedent and more time/effort/energy than I expected.
I almost always take a redeye from SEA->JFK on Alaska, usually flight AS 26 which departs at 1130pm and arrives at both an ungodly early hour if I’ve adjusted to Pacific Time, and a normal morning if it’s an Eastern Time. I tend to get lucky with the upgrades, as the flight isn’t too in-demand and I end up in Premium, or often First Class. Regardless of seat assignment, I find the space, physical, mental, and emotional, ripe for digesting my feelings. Alas, as I type this from 2C on a 737Max, I reflect on my current state, and journey. This one will be more scattered than usual, as I’m a feeling a bit frazzled.
Looking back at my previous blog posts and taking stock of my memories and values, I’ll travel to Seattle for someone that matters to me. Whether that’s celebrating for a wedding, finding time to see specifc people, cheering on a beloved team with friends, or something else, I’ve only recently realized the level of intentionality I put on my trips to Seattle. I will always, always try to maximize my trips with multiple interactions. This trip was to see a friend’s newborn, amongst other things.
I don’t know if I have ever truly associated myself with New York City, until now. I was not born here, and though I have fallen in love with the bustling nature of the city, it’s only been 2.5 years since I said, “Welcome to New York”. When someone asks me where I’m from, I proudly say Issaquah (or sometimes, Bellevue, to make myself seem more high class and affluent than I am). All of the sports teams that I affiliate myself with are from Seattle. My alma mater is Washington, perhaps more than just literally. But for the first time in my life, someone else labeled me as “New York Joshua,” at which I chuckled at. A new character in my story and I in theirs, they only know me as someone who lives in New York, yet I hesitate to accept the sobriquet. Am I a New Yorker? Maybe it’s the endless quality food options, the diversity of people I meet, or perhaps the haute Style? My heart may be Seattle, but that hasn’t stopped me from loving New York.
To start this upcoming February, I’ll be headed down south for a Royal Caribbean cruise, ironically on the same cruise line my sister performed shows on. I’m headed to, you guessed it, the Caribbean. I am so, so proud of my sister. She continues to push herself in her Wushu career, accomplishing and achieving beyond my Wildest Dreams. Some good friends whom I met in my church community group in NYC are getting married, and asked me to officiate their wedding. I don’t think I’ll ever say “no” to participating in a wedding as, in my eyes, it marks a monumental relationship either past or present. I’m flattered, honored, and thankful for the times someone asks me to be in their wedding, whether it’s a friendship that has sprouted in the past few years, or longtime buddies who shared impactful stages of life with me. I’ve never officiated a wedding before.
I’m grieving over something that, although not established, nor lengthy, nor labeled, I cared about. Is It Over Now? Grief is a tough feeling to have. I was going to say it’s one of the worst feelings, but having something to grieve over means you’ve appreciated and valued something, and in this moment, while that’s an upsetting feeling, I’d also argue that having those things that matter to you (whether kept or lost) is a core tenet to living. I put a lot of effort into things I care about, and I’m sad when things don’t work out in the way I dream about. The existential questioning of what and why I care about things is beyond my capacity right now, but I know I’m feeling sad about loss.
This week is Spotify’s Wellness Week, which they give employees off to “be well”. Many people use the week to take a free vacation; last year I used the time to get my medical, dental, vision, etc. checkups. This year, I’ll do the same, but am hoping to take some time to really feel what my goals in this upcoming year are. I regret not setting more goals in 2023, as I felt like I fell short of things I wanted to do and the person I wanted to be.
Below are some questions I hope to think about during this week. I doubt I’ll ever find true answers, but at least they’ll spark some conversations and thoughts.
What am I looking for in a relationship? I’ve been on quite a few dates in the past years, but some meant significantly more to me than others. I would like to have some stronger sense of a checklist. I suppose step one is identifying How You Get the Girl.
What makes a good friendship? What nurtures a healthy one? What kills one?
Who do I want to be in 2024? What do I want to achieve? How do I want to treat people? What will make a “successful” 2024?
